


The Assvengers vs. The Moneyman (starring Henry Wellhung)

by susanowa (panickyintheuk)



Series: Inconveniences Rightly Considered [1]
Category: Marvel Adventures (Comics), Marvel Adventures: Avengers
Genre: Gen, Identity Porn, M/M, Multi, POV Peter Parker, Porn Watching, Pre-Series, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-12
Updated: 2016-07-12
Packaged: 2018-07-23 01:33:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7461363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panickyintheuk/pseuds/susanowa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter finds something interesting on reddit and decides to share it with the group. Cap thinks it's disrespectful to poor Mr Stark. Iron Man doesn't seem to be too worried, though. OR, the Avengers watch porn of themselves (and Tony!).</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Assvengers vs. The Moneyman (starring Henry Wellhung)

**Author's Note:**

> For square N3, "the gang's all here", on my cap/im bingo card.
> 
> The relationship tags are all for either one-sided, unresolved, or implied/ambiguous pairings. However, this is intended as part of a series with a much stronger Steve/Tony slant than this fic has by itself.
> 
> Warning for underage porn-watching, maybe?
> 
> In case it isn't clear, both Peter's and Iron Man's identities are still secret from the team at this point.

"Hey gang," said Peter chirpily, holding up a USB stick. "Guess what I found on the Avengers subreddit?"

"Ugh," said Jan, "you're on reddit? I hate reddit."

"You just have to pick your subreddits wisely," Iron Man said. "They're not all bad."

"I'll stick with Pinterest," said Jan.

"Well, but that's like apples and oranges," said Iron Man. "You can't --"

"Um, doesn't anyone want to know what I found?" Peter interrupted.

"What is it, Spider-Man?" asked Cap kindly. Peter felt a little bad, because he was about to scandalise him, but really, this was too amazing to keep to himself.

"It's an Avengers porn parody! Well, the Avengers _and_ Tony Stark. According to the write-up, they give him 'the pounding of a lifetime'."

"Oh," said Iron Man, "this I gotta see."

"Are the others here?" asked Peter.

"Everyone except Storm," said Iron Man. "She's off at the school, liaising with the Prof."

"Thank goodness," said Jan. "I don't think she'd approve."

"I'm surprised Cap approves," said Peter.

"I don't really approve," Cap said, "but, well, we're off-duty, and you're all adults --" Peter did not correct him on that "-- so I don't see how I can stop you."

"I'll put on some popcorn," said Jan, rubbing her hands together.

*

Once Peter had figured out how to get the TV to play from a USB stick ("I thought you were supposed to be good at science?" Jan had said. " _Biology_ ," Peter gritted out) while Iron Man was busy rounding up Bruce and Logan from somewhere (he'd made a lewd comment about what they'd been up to, which was obviously both gross and preposterous), they were all settled in to watch. All except Cap.

"I just think it's disrespectful," he said, "watching this behind Mr Stark's back."

"And Storm's," Jan reminded him.

"Right, of course, her too. But he _is_ the one getting, uh..."

"Pounded," said Peter helpfully.

"I can always give Mr Stark a call," said Iron Man, "see if he'd like to join us. I think he's busy right now, but --"

"No!" Cap said hurriedly.

"If it helps, I can promise you he wouldn't mind," Iron Man said.

"It's a little weird for me, actually," Bruce said. "I know Tony pretty well. I mean, not as well as Iron Man does, of course, but we've worked together a few times."

Jan giggled. "I know him too. Our mothers were friends, and we always get invited to the same fundraisers. Of course, he's a little older than me. But if Iron Man thinks so, I guess it's okay."

Iron Man laughed a creaky laugh. "I wouldn't use me as your moral compass, Giant Girl. But it's not as though it's his _actual_ sex tape. It's just some porn actor with a copycat moustache."

"There's a sex tape?" Cap's voice was a little too high-pitched. Of course, the modern world was full of shocks for an old-timer like him.

"Rumor has it," said Iron Man casually, inspecting his gauntlet ostentatiously. "But if there _were_ such a thing, you'd certainly never find it just by googling. One of the perks of having a team of expensive lawyers at your disposal."

"Well, good," said Cap. "That sort of thing is just awful."

"Are we watching this or not?" said Jan impatiently.

"I'm not," said Cap. "It's just not right."

"Your loss, bub," said Wolverine.

*

As porn parodies went, this wasn't up to Axel Braun standards, but it wasn't filmed in somebody's dorm room either. First, a flashy title filled the screen: 'The Assvengers vs. The Moneyman!'

"Assvengers," said Iron Man. "That's the worst."

"Yes," said Bruce, "but I'm trying to think of anything better, and I'm drawing a blank."

"Well, Assvengers," said the Storm on screen, "we've seen to the Ass-Wrecking Crew..."

"Oh, gosh, thank goodness Ro isn't here," said Jan. "This is so embarrassing."

"D'you think it'll be Bruce or Hulk, for the sex scenes?" asked Wolverine.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" said Iron Man, sounding about as sly as you could sound through a voice modulator.

"Shut yer shiny face."

They'd missed some of the dialogue, but that didn't seem like too great a tragedy. 'Tony Stark' was just walking through the door, hands on his hips. "Listen up, Assvengers," he said. "You're causing property damage all over New York! Damage Control can't keep paying for your mistakes!"

"What's this guy's name?" said Iron Man.

"Oh, that's Henry Wellhung!" said Peter, a little too quickly. He should probably have pretended he had to check.

"Pretty good likeness," said Iron Man.

"I don't think so," said Cap, from the doorway.

"I thought you weren't watching," said Peter.

"I'm not. I just came back because I forgot my..."

"Sketchbook?" Iron Man offered, gesturing to where it lay on the coffee table.

"Right," said Cap, coming to pick it up, and then just standing there.

"Down in front," said Wolverine.

"Uh," said Cap. "Right, I'm going."

*

In a shocking twist, the Assvengers had chosen to repay Tony Stark in the form of sexual favors. Turned out it was Hulk who was doing the pounding, not Bruce (although this version of 'the Hulk' was seven feet tall at best, and entirely the wrong shade of green).

"I'm a little surprised they have Tony as a bottom," said Bruce.

"Are you kiddin' me?" said Wolverine. "He's a classic bottom."

" _Power_ bottom, maybe," said Peter.

"What do you think, Iron Man?" said Jan. "You know him best."

"Well, Mr Stark is known for being a flexible thinker," said Iron Man.

Once 'the Hulk' had finished, 'Spider-Man' rolled up his mask to uncover his mouth, and started fellating Tony, while 'Storm' took over from behind with a strap-on which gave off little CGI sparks.

"Wow," said Wolverine, "dead ringer for you, Spidey."

Peter tried to think of something clever to say, but he was kind of distracted by the imagery, so he settled for saying "ha ha" sarcastically. Not up to his usual standard, but he did have less blood going to his brain than usual.

"They really missed a trick here," said Iron Man. "You could have used your webs to tie him up."

Peter laughed faintly. Maybe watching this with the team had been a tactical error.

Luckily, Jan saved him from having to reply. "How come none of us three have had anything to do yet?" she said, gesturing to herself, Iron Man and Wolverine.

"Hey, I ain't complainin'. They can leave me out of it."

"Cap hasn't been in it either," Iron Man pointed out. "And Logan, you better put a dollar in the ain't jar later."

Wolverine muttered something that made Peter wish they had a swear jar, too.

"They probably don't want to sully a national hero," Jan said thoughtfully.

"Hey, the rest of us are heroes too," said Peter. "Even if we're not all... nationals," he added, thinking of Storm and Logan.

*

Not that staring at a naked Tony Stark lookalike was exactly a trial, but what had originally seemed like a hilarious idea was starting to seem like an embarrassing mistake. At least Spider-Man's role was over. But Henry Wellhung seriously had to have the bluest balls ever by now.

"Wolverine," 'Iron Man' was saying, "use your adamantium claws to cut open my groin piece!"

"That is the worst idea I've ever heard," said Iron Man.

"So I'm just a tin opener, huh?" Wolverine groused.

"No, look," said Jan, "you're cutting off my clothes, too, see?"

On screen, Iron Man was fucking Tony from behind, while Tony thrust into Jan.

The actual Iron Man had dissolved into hysterical giggles. "Oh no," he said.

"You got off lightly!" said Jan. "How come I'm the only one who's totally naked?"

"Tony's naked," Peter said.

"I mean the only _Avenger_. Storm got to keep on the corset thing! And you couldn't really see any of her downstairs bits, with the strap-on in the way."

"You're still wearing your mask," said Bruce.

"Yes, well, thank heavens," Jan said, rolling her eyes. "My dignity is safe."

"The Hulk was naked," said Wolverine.

"He's always naked anyway. And I'm not sure it counts as nudity if you're covered in an inch-thick layer of body paint."

"Is this still not over?" said Cap from the doorway. "Oh, my word..."

"I think you had the right idea," said Iron Man. "I can never unsee this. Or get the last hour of my life back."

"You still haven't shown up, Cap," said Jan.

"Well... good," said Cap.

"It has to be nearly over by now, surely," said Iron Man.

Suddenly, 'Captain America' burst onto the scene. Everybody cheered, except for Cap, who just groaned and put a hand over his face.

"What's going on here, Assvengers?" said 'Captain America' (or maybe 'Captain Assmerica' - it wasn't specified).

"Assvengers," Cap muttered to himself disbelievingly.

"I know, right?" said Iron Man.

"Captain," said 'Storm', "Mr Stark has threatened to withdraw our funding. We are trying to... persuade him otherwise."

"Oh, they remembered the plot," said Iron Man.

"Oh, well, in that case..." said 'Captain America', sidling up to 'Tony Stark', "maybe I should try putting my mouth where his money is."

"Okay," said Cap, "I'm turning it off."

This decision, though probably wise, was met with near-unanimous disapproval.

"That is completely unfair!" said Jan. "I was naked!"

"And I was nearly castrated," said Iron Man. "Plus I'm not sure I'll be able to look the boss in the eye for a while."

"I didn't get to do anything good," muttered Wolverine.

"Hey," said Peter, "what do you say we never speak of this?"

"No deal," said Iron Man. 

*

After a good night's sleep, Peter reflected, everything looked marginally less humiliating. So he convinced his teammates to watch an over-long, overly-personal porno. So he got an inconvenient boner (he was pretty sure nobody saw). It was all fine. These things happened. He rolled up his mask to blow on his coffee, and got an uncomfortable flashback to that one scene where...

"Good morning, Spider-Man," said Cap from behind him.

Peter did _not_ jump, because he had super-human reflexes, god damn it. "Good morning," he said with dignity.

"You know," Cap continued, "I'm on reddit too."

Peter froze. "Oh, really?" he said innocently.

"Yes," said Cap, "and it's the darnedest thing. I couldn't see that video you found anywhere on the Avengers subreddit."

"Is that right? Well, it's hard to keep on top of everything that gets posted there! Or, or maybe it got deleted?" He was being too helpful. Like the murderer in a Columbo episode. He needed to zip it.

"Hmm. Or maybe you got mixed up about where you saw it?"

Peter cleared his throat. "Um. I guess it's possible."

"Because you know where I _did_ see it?"

"No," said Peter faintly.

"On the 'Gay for Tony Stark' subreddit," Cap said casually.

"Well, that's just -- wait, what were _you_ doing on there, anyway?"

Cap grinned at him. "Probably the same thing as you," he said.

"Oh my God."

"I'll keep your secret if you keep mine," Cap added, with a wink.

Peter nodded weakly.

At least he hadn't found out that Peter subscribed to the 'Gay for Captain America' subreddit, too.

**Author's Note:**

> "What had originally seemed like a hilarious idea was starting to seem like an embarrassing mistake" is also a phrase that could describe my writing process for this fic.
> 
> I hate to leave Storm out, but I really don't see her standing for this nonsense. Also, Jan preferring Pinterest to reddit is not intended as a statement on gender roles. Just seems to me like she would, you know?
> 
> The "ain't" jar is inspired by [a panel in MA:A where Tony repulsors the Abomination "for saying ain't twice"](http://imgur.com/5TxyyOQ) (I don't personally condone that kind of prescriptivism. Get a life, Tones). The 'gay for' subreddits are inspired by the 'gay for Oberyn' subreddit.


End file.
